We are Not Your Father's Fart Company

We're a new kind of fart company that breaks the fart/sound barrier with every blast. No more weak, boring farts. No more Squeaky Sams, Plods, or Pew Pew No-Stinks.

We're a fart company with our ear to the grindstone. We're silly, we're innovative, and we're changing the world. I'll tell you our groundbreaking plans later, but first let's discuss a few things we've learned on our farting journey.

MAKE SURE IT’S A FART

This is the first rule of farting. If you think it might be a poop, use a toilet. It's is a lesson that repeats itself over time. You get cocky. You think you can push one out. You squeeze and lean and pinch and push and whoops, another pair of underwear ruined.

This is not a joke. This is life. I’m 37 years old, I’m the best farter you’ve ever met, and I soil my undies about twice a year. There's no shame in this. "Reach for the stars," they say, and sometimes you shit your pants.

FARTS COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES

Sometimes you fart a super great fart. Other times, the fart is only okay. The best farts are multi-farts. The highest form of the multi-fart is the staccato fart. This is a rapid-fire, semi-automatic blast.

I’ve done some farts so incredible that they last for 10, 20 seconds. These often change in pitch over time. They ebb and flow. Sometimes a loud fart will go nearly quiet before ending in a high-pitched squeak. We call this fart The Comeback.

FARTING ON AN AIRPLANE

Vibrations bring all the farts to the yard. A drill in a neighboring room. The heavy bass bumping at the club. The rumble of a passing train. Airplanes are the worst for this. The low, steady rumble builds the gas, but the angle of the seats and social norms make the mid-flight fart a rather challenging task.

So you have to fart in the bathroom.

Airplane bathrooms have a distinctive, almost hospital esque odor to them. It covers up the death smell of all the farts.

But it doesn't prevent everyone on board from hearing your blast. 

This used to be a problem. Back in '99 you'd come out of the airplane bathroom with 300 pairs of eyes looking right at you. Now everyone has their headphones in. The farts go unheard. The only looks are from the flight attendants. Life is good.

FARTIASM

I know I promised info on how we innovate here at farts.website, and I will. Soon. I promise. But first let me tell you how farts relate to religion.

We might not realize it, but we all know Heaven on Earth.

It's that split second just after the culmination of a much needed, highly anticipated fart. It's more than relief. It's more than joy. It's a moment of stillness amongst the chaos, where just for a second you're transported to a higher plane. 

Alright, enough teasers. here's how we're innovative:

WE'RE THE FIRST BROWN/GREEN COMPANY IN THE FARTING SPACE!

Our fartiferous odors stem from the brown. But our product is entirely green.

A fart contains about 7% carbon dioxide and 9% methane, which amounts to about a metric ton of greenhouse gas released per farter per day.

So what can we do about this carbon ass print?

I'll tell you what we can do.

WE CAN FART INTO JARS

Here at farts.website we produce the highest quality, stinkiest, most carbon-full, environmentally friendly fart jars on the market.

Each one of our fart jars saves approximately a lot of greenhouse gas from being emitted into the atmosphere.

And with enough purchases we think we can help put an end to climate change by 2030.

But no hard sell from me. Our farts sell themselves. Here's what people are saying about our FART JARS.

"I passed out."

"So...much...stink."

"I don't know how they get so much gas into such a small jar."

"I bought a jar as a joke. But then I really thought about it. If one jar can help the planet, maybe 100 jars can make a real impact. So I cleaned out my basement, took out a second mortgage on my house, and bought 1000 jars. Now I feel like I'm part of the solution."

FARTS ARE MY PASSION

I'll be farting into jars until the day I die. I don't need you to buy our Fart Jars.

But they are for sale, and they do help the environment.

So if you like the planet and think farts are funny, click below to get your very own fart jar today!